Salutations! I'm really bored in driver's ed right now. Day four begins. I arrive early before most of the other students and strategically take a free seat as far away from the loud gum chewer as possible. This seat is conveniently close to the window, meaning cell phone service. *joy! My happiness is interupted by a boy standing in front of my desk, staring at me. I have obviously stolen his seat however he seems to be mute so I can't be sure. After what seems like two hours of awkward silence I take it upon myself to stand up and move to the adjacent seat. The class grows quiet and the teacher begins.
I reach in my purse and sneak a pretzel into my mouth (no eating in the classroom). Teacher looks over at me just as the pretzel gets lodged poking my cheek out like a gerbal...I flash a toothy smile and swallow it whole. Spend next fifteen minutes silently choking. I apply some berry flavored lip gloss in attempts to regain my composure. Success. Spend next thirty minutes examining my glinty arm hair in the sunlight streaming in from the window.
Just heard teacher say "attitudional"
train myself to sleep with my eyes open...class passes by at a significantly faster pace.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
day 3
Salutations! I'm really bored in driver's ed right now. Day three begins. Within the first 30 seconds I realize I have made the terrible mistake of sitting next to my all time enemy: a loud gum chewer. So now I know this class will end in one of two ways. Either rudegumsmacker will be going home with a broken nose, or I will have exploded. I prefer option one due to my natural instinct of survival. I plot ways to successfully exterminate ChewyMcChewsloudly.
1. surprise attack from the side
2. Jump on top of my desk then proceed to jump on her head
my plotting is interrupted as a tapping foot catches my eye. Moving at warp speed, girl who pops gum twitches her foot, finding yet another way to annoy me. The movement in my peripheral vision is making me extremely motion sick. I must now use all strength I have to prevent a violent outburst...and a possible upchuck.
Just heard teacher say "ironicle."
I notice the girl on my other side has a slight potential to be normal. *Joy! She asks me to borrow a piece of paper. I respond with my best smile and she is successfully won over. I feel my teeth with my tongue to check for caught food...end up making a weird sucking noise. New friend looks over at me (so much for that).
Teacher says, "take out your homework" and some students reach in their bags or rustle papers...apparently that wasn't a joke. She-who-chews-obnoxiously sips a soda. I will literally dump that upside her head. I sense the girl look over at me...perhaps she can read my thoughts. I look around the room and notice there are many people missing today. I would trade lives with those absentees in a second. A strong smell of feet wafts in my direction. I write down the importance of feet.
Feet: allow you to walk, run, have a pedicure
It's six thirty, one hour until break during which I must call around to all of my friends and beg for a ride home. My family decided to celebrate their sovereignty from driver's ed by going out and leaving me to fend for myself at nine o'clock at night.
Teacher just said, "Guys...and ladies I'm talking to you too" Thank you, Sir feminist, for including us girls in your class as well. I look at my phone, no service. This will be a long night. A boy asks a question implying that he has been paying attention. I stare at him, dumbfounded. I can't even hear the teacher over Ms. I'mreallyannoyingcusichewmygumallloud, and even if I could how can anyone not be zoned out? I take out my earring and examine it for twenty minutes. I spend the remaining hour and a half staring at my desk.
1. surprise attack from the side
2. Jump on top of my desk then proceed to jump on her head
my plotting is interrupted as a tapping foot catches my eye. Moving at warp speed, girl who pops gum twitches her foot, finding yet another way to annoy me. The movement in my peripheral vision is making me extremely motion sick. I must now use all strength I have to prevent a violent outburst...and a possible upchuck.
Just heard teacher say "ironicle."
I notice the girl on my other side has a slight potential to be normal. *Joy! She asks me to borrow a piece of paper. I respond with my best smile and she is successfully won over. I feel my teeth with my tongue to check for caught food...end up making a weird sucking noise. New friend looks over at me (so much for that).
Teacher says, "take out your homework" and some students reach in their bags or rustle papers...apparently that wasn't a joke. She-who-chews-obnoxiously sips a soda. I will literally dump that upside her head. I sense the girl look over at me...perhaps she can read my thoughts. I look around the room and notice there are many people missing today. I would trade lives with those absentees in a second. A strong smell of feet wafts in my direction. I write down the importance of feet.
Feet: allow you to walk, run, have a pedicure
It's six thirty, one hour until break during which I must call around to all of my friends and beg for a ride home. My family decided to celebrate their sovereignty from driver's ed by going out and leaving me to fend for myself at nine o'clock at night.
Teacher just said, "Guys...and ladies I'm talking to you too" Thank you, Sir feminist, for including us girls in your class as well. I look at my phone, no service. This will be a long night. A boy asks a question implying that he has been paying attention. I stare at him, dumbfounded. I can't even hear the teacher over Ms. I'mreallyannoyingcusichewmygumallloud, and even if I could how can anyone not be zoned out? I take out my earring and examine it for twenty minutes. I spend the remaining hour and a half staring at my desk.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 2
Salutations! I'm really bored in driver's ed right now at a local high school...in the summer...from 5:45-9 pm...for ten days. I hate driver's ed.
My teacher is so passionate about his opening topic for today's lesson (the one and a half rotation range of the steering wheel) that his eyebrows are raised so high up with excitement I fear they will jump off his head and out the door...I will envy them for their swift escape. Five minutes have passed since the last time I blinked. See, compared to this class, staring at my split ends is so captivating that I just can't bear to blink or look away. I just shift my weight in this steel desk-like contraption...hopefully my left butt cheek will regain circulation (as my right leg goes numb). While squirming around I notice that someone who previously sat here documented on the desk the "hours left in driver's ed." listed below is "24, 21, 20.5, 19." I feel hopeful. One day, I too will only have 19 hours left. *joy! I look around the room (must not make eye contact with the teacher...he will see I'm completely zoned out) I see a painting in the corner clearly drawn by a student. Is that a portrait or a picture of the ocean during a tornado? I notice this girl to my front left diagonal looking back at me, so I make a face at her. She turns back around. Just heard my teacher say "If you need to go to the right, you must turn the steering wheel to the right." Glad I caught that ingenious instruction. consider writing it down, then continue poking at my cuticles. The girl in front of me takes out her ponytail, unleashing foot after foot of thick wavy black hair which now spills over three quarters of my desk. I imagine the possibility of hiding my phone in the shadows of her hair allowing me to text or connect in some way to the outside world. However, I get a frightening image of my phone getting lost in her hair and disregard the original notion. A boy drums loudly and obnoxiously on his desk and I consider the pros and cons of punching him in the face:
pro-irritating thumping noise ends
con-potential consequences for hitting other kids, some effort involved
I look around the room again and spot the clock indicating 7:30. break time *joy! During the fifteen minutes of free time I walk around the school twice and blow my nose...it momentarily started bleeding. On my way back to the classroom I hear a group of kids speaking in what I assume is German...tried to decipher what they were saying, and failed. Break over. for the remaining hour and fifteen minutes we watch a disturbingly graphic movie about car collisions. Movie scares me out of ever driving or entering a vehicle again.
Class now pointless.
My teacher is so passionate about his opening topic for today's lesson (the one and a half rotation range of the steering wheel) that his eyebrows are raised so high up with excitement I fear they will jump off his head and out the door...I will envy them for their swift escape. Five minutes have passed since the last time I blinked. See, compared to this class, staring at my split ends is so captivating that I just can't bear to blink or look away. I just shift my weight in this steel desk-like contraption...hopefully my left butt cheek will regain circulation (as my right leg goes numb). While squirming around I notice that someone who previously sat here documented on the desk the "hours left in driver's ed." listed below is "24, 21, 20.5, 19." I feel hopeful. One day, I too will only have 19 hours left. *joy! I look around the room (must not make eye contact with the teacher...he will see I'm completely zoned out) I see a painting in the corner clearly drawn by a student. Is that a portrait or a picture of the ocean during a tornado? I notice this girl to my front left diagonal looking back at me, so I make a face at her. She turns back around. Just heard my teacher say "If you need to go to the right, you must turn the steering wheel to the right." Glad I caught that ingenious instruction. consider writing it down, then continue poking at my cuticles. The girl in front of me takes out her ponytail, unleashing foot after foot of thick wavy black hair which now spills over three quarters of my desk. I imagine the possibility of hiding my phone in the shadows of her hair allowing me to text or connect in some way to the outside world. However, I get a frightening image of my phone getting lost in her hair and disregard the original notion. A boy drums loudly and obnoxiously on his desk and I consider the pros and cons of punching him in the face:
pro-irritating thumping noise ends
con-potential consequences for hitting other kids, some effort involved
I look around the room again and spot the clock indicating 7:30. break time *joy! During the fifteen minutes of free time I walk around the school twice and blow my nose...it momentarily started bleeding. On my way back to the classroom I hear a group of kids speaking in what I assume is German...tried to decipher what they were saying, and failed. Break over. for the remaining hour and fifteen minutes we watch a disturbingly graphic movie about car collisions. Movie scares me out of ever driving or entering a vehicle again.
Class now pointless.
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